Helping a Friend or Family Member After a Cancer Diagnosis

Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. • October 5, 2023

While half of all men and one-third of all women in the United States will develop cancer during their lifetimes, it’s different when cancer hits close to home. Only then do we become fully aware of the reality of cancer and the many losses it creates.

Yes, for your friend or family member as well as for all those who care about someone with cancer, cancer is a significant loss.

No matter your friend’s type or stage of cancer or survivorship, his life changed after his diagnosis. From the moment he first heard those three little words—“You have cancer”—he experienced losses of many kinds.

He lost his health. Even if he recovered his health in the months and years after his treatment, he knows what it means to feel healthy one moment and frighteningly unhealthy the next. He also lost his sense of normalcy and safety. He may have lost his ability to work and his financial stability. In the course of his treatment, perhaps he lost a body part or two, his hair, his appetite, his memory (thanks to chemo brain), and even some of his friends. (Not everyone is capable of the steadfastness it takes to be a companion through the cancer journey. More on that in a moment.)

You are probably all too aware that the friends and family members of the person with cancer experience myriad losses as well. Your sense of normalcy and safety has also been threatened. You begin to consider and grieve the worst-case scenarios. Depending on your relationship with the person who has cancer and the activities you share, you may have, at least temporarily, lost your golf partner, your walking buddy, or even your lover. In general, you have probably lost the easy enjoyment of spending time with this person.

So yes, in many ways, cancer is synonymous with loss. And when we lose things (or people) that we care about or that are important to our sense of self, we naturally grieve.

Grief and mourning

Grief is what we think and feel on the inside when we lose someone or something important. When someone we love is diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, we experience shock, anger, guilt, sadness, and other emotions. We think many dark and difficult thoughts. All of these thoughts and feelings go into a pot called grief.

Mourning is the word for grief expressed. While grief is what’s bottled up inside you, mourning is the opening up, the letting out, and the sharing.

Without mourning, grief festers. Contrary to the cliché “time heals all wounds,” grief does not magically dissipate through the passage of time alone. If it is not expressed fully and honestly, it tends to result in ongoing problems such as depression, intimacy troubles, chronic anxiety, substance abuse, and others.

But with mourning? Oh, with mourning, what amazing rewards await us on the far side of grief! When genuinely expressed, grief has the potential to open us to a richer and deeper experience of life.

Both you and your friend or family member will naturally grieve in the weeks and months after the diagnosis. But to cope and eventually to heal, you must also mourn.

Being a cancer companion

If you are reading this article, you surely have the intention to be a good helper during the cancer journey. That’s a good start. Intention is where everything begins.

Now to your intention you must add action. You must reach out and keep reaching out to the person who has cancer. You must offer your presence and your empathy for the long haul. You must persevere long after most friends and even family members fall away.

You see, not everyone has the endurance to be a good helper for months and years, which is often how long the cancer journey takes. Yet this is exactly what the person who has cancer needs most—people she can count on, well, forever.

Good cancer companions spend time with the people they care about who have cancer. They share meals and activities but they also have conversations. Importantly, they listen. They have empathy. They are sounding boards and, sometimes, whipping posts.

Cancer companions accompany people with cancer on their journeys. They do not walk in front of or behind the person with cancer. They walk alongside, arm-in-arm. And they continue to offer their presence and loving companionship as long as the journey lasts.

Yet, the more connected you feel to the person who has cancer, the more you, too, will struggle with the diagnosis and grieve throughout her cancer journey. Also, the closer you are to the person with cancer, the more help you will need for yourself in the coming weeks and months.

Because of your normal and necessary grief, you may find it impossible to be as supportive of the person who has cancer as you would like to be. That’s how grief works. But if you get good support for yourself and work on expressing all your fears, thoughts, and feelings (by sharing them with the person with cancer but also in other ways, such as journaling or attending a support group), you will be better able to help the person with cancer. You will also find hope and healing for yourself.

About the Author

Dr. Alan Wolfelt is a respected author and educator on the topic of healing in grief. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School's Department of Family Medicine. Dr. Wolfelt has written many compassionate, bestselling books designed to help people mourn well so they can continue to love and live well, including Understanding Your Grief, The Mourner’s Book of Hope, and Healing A Friend or Loved One’s Grieving Heart After a Cancer Diagnosis, from which this article was excerpted. Visit www.centerforloss.com to learn more about the natural and necessary process of grief and mourning and to order Dr. Wolfelt’s books.

< Older Post Newer Post >

The Misconception of the Funeral as a Rite of Closure

By Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. • October 5, 2023

Raise your hand if you’ve heard that funeral ceremonies help you achieve “closure.” It’s a common misconception. When someone we love dies, the death indeed ends—forever—our experience of live, bodily presence with that person. The body is dead. It’s true—something essential is finished. It is over. A door has closed. But while that one door is closing, many others are opening. In the early days and weeks after the death—during the period in which a funeral or memorial service is commonly held—we grievers are just getting acquainted with our grief and the six needs of mourning. This graphic shows the six needs of mourning in pyramid form, and they are the most essential reasons why we have had funerals since the beginning of time. From the bottom up, funerals help us: Acknowledge the reality of the death. Remember the person who died and share memories. Support one another in our grief. Outwardly express our inner thoughts and feelings. Contemplate the significance of the life that was lived and work toward finding meaning and purpose in continued living. Embrace the wonder of life and death and take a first step toward transcendence. Notice that these “whys” of the funeral are not about endings but beginnings. For example, are we done acknowledging the reality of the death when the funeral is over? No. Typically it takes weeks and months for us to fully acknowledge the reality not only with our heads but our hearts. Are we done remembering the person who died or supporting one another? Of course not. Have we finished expressing our thoughts and feelings, searching for meaning, or reconciling and transcending the death? Absolutely not. Instead of a rite of closure, the funeral is better understood as a rite of opening. It marks the formal, ritualized start of the time of grieving for those who love the person who died. Funerals that are timely, rich in elements, inclusive of many people, and highly personalized put grievers on the right path. Such funerals launch healthy mourning; they do not mark the end of it. Yes, it’s true that the disposition of the body of the person who died is one aspect of closure during the funeral process. And it’s an important one. Caring for, spending time with, and honoring the body helps us with the bottommost layer of the pyramid, especially. When the body is finally laid to rest, we have completed a necessary task that assists with acknowledging the reality of the death—but still, we are not even close to being finished acknowledging the reality of the death. Equating the completion of bodily disposition with “closure” only perpetuates the predominant, harmful notion that people should hurry up and “get over” their grief and return to normal as quickly as possible. After all, in grief, there is no such thing as closure. Like our love for someone who dies, our grief never ends. We don’t “get over it.” Instead, we learn to live with it as we find ways to live forward with meaning and purpose. So the funeral is not about closure. It’s about a healthy start. So what does the funeral offer if not “closure”? As I’ve said, funerals that are timely, rich in elements, inclusive of many people, and highly personalized help us in many ways. Here are a few. Good funerals puts families on a good path. Good funerals help families begin to heal. Good funerals provide a time and place for people to support one another. Good funerals—like weddings, baptisms, birthday parties, etc.—mark an important, once-in-a-lifetime transition. When words are inadequate, we as humans have always, since the beginning of time, turned to ceremony and rituals to help us through. Without a funeral, people typically struggle much more with their ongoing, necessary grief. Good funerals open the door to hope and healing. Good funerals help us embark in healthy ways on our grief journeys. Good funerals provide an effective, time-honored starting point. So the next time you hear someone promise that a funeral will provide closure, I hope you will remember our discussion in this article. In fact, you might offer this rejoinder: “Closure? I’m just getting started.” About the Author Dr. Alan Wolfelt is a respected author and educator on the topic of healing in grief. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School's Department of Family Medicine. Dr. Wolfelt has written many compassionate, bestselling books designed to help people mourn well so they can continue to love and live well. Visit www.centerforloss.com to learn more about the natural and necessary process of grief and mourning and to order Dr. Wolfelt’s books.

Helping a Friend in Grief

By Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. • October 5, 2023

A friend has experienced the death of someone loved. You want to help, but you are not sure how to go about it. This article will guide you in ways to turn your cares and concerns into positive actions. Listen with your heart. Helping begins with your ability to be an active listener. Your physical presence and desire to listen without judging are critical helping tools. Don't worry so much about what you will say. Just concentrate on listening to the words that are being shared with you. Your friend may relate the same story about the death over and over again. Listen attentively each time. Realize this repetition is part of your friend's healing process. Simply listen and understand. Be compassionate. Give your friend permission to express his or her feelings without fear of criticism. Learn from your friend; don't instruct or set expectations about how he or she should respond. Never say, "I know just how you feel." You don't. Think about your helper role as someone who "walks with," not "behind" or "in front of" the one who is mourning. Allow your friend to experience all the hurt, sorrow and pain that he or she is feeling at the time. Enter into your friend's feelings, but never try to take them away. And recognize that tears are a natural and appropriate expression of the pain associated with the death. Avoid clichés. Words, particularly clichés, can be extremely painful for a grieving friend. Clichés are trite comments often intended to diminish the loss by providing simple solutions to difficult realities. Comments like, "You are holding up so well," "Time heals all wounds," "Think of all you still have to be thankful for" or "Just be happy that he's out of his pain" are not constructive. Instead, they hurt and make a friend's journey through grief more difficult. Understand the uniqueness of grief. Keep in mind that your friend's grief is unique. No one will respond to the death of someone loved in exactly the same way. While it may be possible to talk about similar phases shared by grieving people, everyone is different and shaped by experiences in their own unique lives. Because the grief experience is also unique, be patient. The process of grief takes a long time, so allow your friend to proceed at his or her own pace. Don't force your own timetable for healing. Don't criticize what you believe is inappropriate behavior. And while you should create opportunities for personal interaction, don't force the situation if your grieving friend resists. Offer practical help. Preparing food, washing clothes, cleaning the house or answering the telephone are just a few of the practical ways of showing you care. And, just as with your presence, this support is needed at the time of the death and in the weeks and months ahead. Make contact. Your presence at the funeral is important. As a ritual, the funeral provides an opportunity for you to express your love and concern at this time of need. As you pay tribute to a life that is now passed, you have a chance to support grieving friends and family. At the funeral, a touch of your hand, a look in your eye or even a hug often communicates more than any words could ever say. Don't just attend the funeral then disappear, however. Remain available in the weeks and months to come, as well. Remember that your grieving friend may need you more later on than at the time of the funeral. A brief visit or a telephone call in the days that follow are usually appreciated. Write a personal note. Sympathy cards express your concern, but there is no substitute for your personal written words. What do you say? Share a favorite memory of the person who died. Relate the special qualities that you valued in him or her. These words will often be a loving gift to your grieving friend, words that will be reread and remembered for years. Use the name of the person who has died either in your personal note or when you talk to your friend. Hearing that name can be comforting, and it confirms that you have not forgotten this important person who was so much a part of your friend's life. Be aware of holidays and anniversaries. Your friend may have a difficult time during special occasions like holidays and anniversaries. These events emphasize the absence of the person who has died. Respect this pain as a natural extension of the grief process. Learn from it. And, most importantly, never try to take away the hurt. Your friend and the family of the person who died sometimes create special traditions surrounding these events. Your role? Perhaps you can help organize such a remembrance or attend one if you are invited. Understanding the importance of the loss. Remember that the death of someone loved is a shattering experience. As a result of this death, your friend's life is under reconstruction. Consider the significance of the loss and be gentle and compassionate in all of your helping efforts. While the above guidelines will be helpful, it is important to recognize that helping a grieving friend will not be an easy task. You may have to give more concern, time and love that you ever knew you had. But this effort will be more than worth it. By 'walking with' your friend in grief, you are giving one of life's most precious gifts--yourself. About the Author Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is a noted author, educator and practicing grief counselor. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado and presents dozens of grief-related workshops each year across North America. Among his books are Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas and The Healing Your Grieving Heart Journal for Teens. For more information, write or call The Center for Loss and Life Transition, 3735 Broken Bow Road, Fort Collins, Colorado 80526, (970) 226-6050 or visit their website, www.centerforloss.com . Related Resources Healing A Friend's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas (book)

Helping Yourself Heal When Someone You Care About Dies of a Drug Overdose

By Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. • October 5, 2023

A friend or family member has died of a drug overdose. Death and grief are always hard, but when someone dies from drug use, understanding your feelings and knowing what to think and say about the death can be especially difficult. This article offers compassionate guidance for coping with your own grief as well as helping others affected by the loss. Addiction and the Opioid Epidemic People of all backgrounds and socioeconomic levels are affected by addiction. Addiction is a recognized disease in which the pleasure centers of the brain get taken over by the need for the drug. Addicts cannot control their behavior. In the United States today, the majority of drug overdose deaths involve an opioid, such as prescription painkillers or heroin. About two and a half million people are addicted to these drugs, and nearly 100 people die each day from an overdose. In fact, opioid use and overdose trends have grown so bad that the Department of Health & Human Services has labeled the problem an epidemic. You are not alone. Millions of families and friends have lost a loved one to drug use. This doesn’t make the death of the unique person you cared about any less tragic. It does mean that there are resources to help you, and there are many people who may be able to understand and support you. Coping with the Stigma Even though addiction is a disease that can affect anyone, there is still a social stigma associated with drug overdose deaths. For you, a person who has lost someone special, this can seem doubly unfair. Not only has someone you cared about died, but others may avoid you or make you feel ashamed about the death. Remind yourself that your friend or family member died of a common, deadly disease. Learn more about opioid use and how it’s affecting so many. Reach out to others impacted by overdose death. Talk openly about what happened. Shining a light of openness and empathy on overdose deaths will help you and others heal. A Complicated Grief Grief is what you think and feel on the inside after someone you care about dies. Your grief will naturally be complicated by the cause of this death. If the person who died was young and otherwise healthy, that fact will affect your grief. We typically feel a sense of injustice and a stolen future whenever a young person dies. We also often feel anger when deaths are caused by behaviors. You might be mad at the person who overdosed, at others whom you perceive enabled the behavior (such as a drug dealer), or at medical staff or police who may have been involved. You might also feel guilty that you weren’t able to help the person stop using drugs before it was too late—even though the behavior was outside your control. Whatever your complicated thoughts and feelings may be, your task now is to express them in healthy ways. Mourning the Death While grief is what you feel on the inside, mourning is what you do when you express your grief on the outside. Crying is mourning. Attending the funeral is mourning. Talking to others about the death is mourning. Part of your mourning will be about the cause of the death. Over time, the larger part of your mourning will be about the loss of a special, unique person who was loved by you and others. Openly and actively discussing all your thoughts and feelings about this death will help you cope with the stigma and eventually heal. Mourning helps you acknowledge the reality of the death, embrace the pain of the loss, remember the person who died, consider the meaning of the person’s death, and receive support from others. Do not let the stigma of the death keep you from mourning fully. Talking about drug overdose and your particular loss will help our society grow more compassionate and work toward solutions. Learn About Resources Your community may have resources for people grieving an overdose death. Call your local hospital, health department, or funeral home to find out more about support groups, counselors, and volunteer opportunities. Nothing is better than face-to-face, personal contact with others who walked the same walk. There are also many resources online. Google “grief support overdose” and you’ll find a number of websites and forums dedicated to helping mourners like you. Reading others’ stories and sharing your own is often a great source of comfort, validation, expression, and healing. Take Good Care of Yourself As you grieve this death, remember to practice good self-care. Think of yourself in emotional intensive care. Just as people who are severely physically injured need around-the-clock attention, you need and deserve excellent care for your psychic injury. Rest often. Eat healthy foods. Drink ample water. De-stress your life as much as possible. Exercise gently but regularly. Spend time with people who care about you. Express your grief whenever you’re feeling it. Meet Your Spiritual Needs Most of all, grief is a spiritual journey. You will naturally have questions about why this death had to happen now and in this way, and you might find yourself wondering about the purpose and meaning of life in general. If you believe in God, you may find solace in your faith, or you may be angry at a God who could let this happen. All of these spiritual responses are normal. Making time each day to feed your spirit will help. Pray, meditate, visit a place of worship, go for a walk in the woods, journal about your spiritual struggle, or speak with a spiritual leader. All of these practices are forms of mourning, and all will help you experience your natural grief and move toward healing. SIDEBAR: Explaining This Death to Children Any child old enough to love is old enough to grieve and mourn. Children affected by an overdose death deserve our compassion, our presence, and our honesty. Never lie to kids or keep difficult truths from them in an effort to protect them. Start from the child’s place of understanding. Listen to and answer questions with words and ideas that are appropriate to the child’s age and unique development. If the child was unaware of the person’s habit, you will probably first need to explain drug use and the disease of addiction. Remember that young children, especially, are literal thinkers. If you tell them only that medicine killed the person, for example, they might end up being afraid to take their own medicine the next time they’re sick. Young children are also prone to magical thinking. For instance, they sometimes think that something they thought or did may have caused the death. Reassure them that it wasn’t their fault. Children, too, often sense the stigma of an overdose death. You can help by explaining that addiction is an illness and talking about thoughts and feelings openly and without judgment. Also, it’s never too early to start teaching children about the dangers of drug use. Children typically grieve in small doses. They may be upset one moment and playing the next. This is normal. Give them brief, frequent opportunities to ask questions or play out concerns (such as drawing or role playing). Be present and ready to talk and offer support. Express your own grief when it arises. About the Author Dr. Alan Wolfelt is a respected author and educator on the topic of healing in grief. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School's Department of Family Medicine. Dr. Wolfelt has written many compassionate, bestselling books designed to help people mourn well so they can continue to love and live well, including Understanding Your Grief and Grief One Day at a Time. Visit www.centerforloss.com to learn more about the natural and necessary process of grief and mourning and to order Dr. Wolfelt’s books.